sad sack

I’ve never been one who could control my tears. I cry in class about once a year. I’ve cried during work hours at every job I’ve held. I used to cry a lot in my car, while I was driving and now occasionally find myself wanting to bawl as I walk home. 

But I’ve also never been one who could cry at the drop of a hat. Most of my tears are shed during times of exhaustion, confusion, stress or sadness. Books, movies, commercials with puppies? I’m immune.

Or I was.

For awhile I said “hormonal,” and got on with my day. But then week after week, month after month I’m crying at the end of EVERY. SINGLE. GREY’S. ANATOMY. EPISODE. and then yeah, it’s not hormones. Unless I-Don’t-Know-That-I’m-Pregnant, or something. But that is unlikely, being that I am not a complete idiot. (Although my periods HAVE always been irregular….)

Stress is the logical factor. Yes, I feel stress in my every day life. The back aches, the shoulders twinge, the jaw clenches and the migraines ensue. But I’m crying over commercials with puppies. I’m crying walking down the street because suddenly I can’t stop thinking about my mom dying, and yes, she will die, and how awful that will be. Or how I’m going to get cancer. Actually have to go through chemotherapy, lose my hair, my livelihood, be sick and weak and then die myself.

Sometimes tears well up because I’m just so freaking satisfied with myself and my life. I’ve done well. I’m doing fun things in an interesting place. I cry because six months ago, I was crying every other weekend when I had to leave Lance in his driveway, and now, even when I try, I can’t remember how I like to sleep when I have the bed to myself. 

Sometimes I cry after he goes to bed because it feels tense and hopeless between us. And I am exhausted, stressed, and sad to no longer be a child in my parents’ house.

So I think it’s just a new personality trait. I am now Girl Who Cries At Puppies. 

So much can change in 12 weeks.

 

I miss these people. I miss the girl I was twelve weeks ago. I miss the way my life used to run and sometimes I cry because we all have to leave and readjust and it’s not fair, can’t we all stay in our homes forever? Can’t we grow and be independent at home? 

So I bought a plane ticket. On December 23rd, Lance and I will drive home for Christmas. On January 3rd, Lance will drive back to Boston so he can go back to work. 

I will have until January 11th to recapture my lost youth.

I hope I won’t spend the whole trip crying.

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4 Comments to “sad sack”

  1. Since I have a feeling there are details in this post I’m not privy to, I’m going to address what is presented.

    You have, without a doubt, gone from 0 to 100mph over the course of a handful of months. From moving to Boston, finding a place to live, finding a job, doing school, there is no doubt in my mind that it is tough.

    I’ve been there, only in reverse: going from the hustle and bustle of Delaware to rural Pennsyltucky to work on a master’s degree. We left our friends, family, our immediate physical support network to live like paupers in a very small town. I would lay awake at night and worry about where money would come from, where I would work, and everything else that could possibly creep into my mind. It sucks and its no fun at all.

    I see this as part of the transition from Point A to Point B. You are working for all the great things that await you at Point B without the immediate comforts of Point A. You are building on self-reliance, sel-determination, and a better tomorrow on your own. There is no experience more powerful, more transforming than stepping into the world without the proverbial safety net. And you are doing it.

    I wish you and Lance the best of luck. It’s not always going to be easy, it’s not always going to be fun, but it will always be yours and yours alone.

    (You can see my email on this reply; my inbox is always open if you need a nice non-judgmental stranger on the internet to talk to. =D)

    • thank you 🙂 i think you hit the nail on the head. it’s just a stressful time, and i’m really a big baby and if my parents let me stay in their house until i was 40, i would probably be okay with that

      • The hope and the truth is that all of your experiences in Boston will be looked back upon, perhaps fondly, as a trial for which you passed. The bad things will soften over time, save for the worst, but the good things will always stay fresh and sharp.

        I can’t guarantee that you won’t cry at the thought. =D

  2. Glad to know I’m not the only one who cries over commercials. Or puppies. I cry when I am happy and people always looked shocked and say, “What’s wrong?!” lol.

    On a serious note, though, I hope you’re feeling a little better than when you wrote this post a week ago and that your holiday trip home will be just the medicine you needed.

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