I’ve never been one who could control my tears. I cry in class about once a year. I’ve cried during work hours at every job I’ve held. I used to cry a lot in my car, while I was driving and now occasionally find myself wanting to bawl as I walk home.
But I’ve also never been one who could cry at the drop of a hat. Most of my tears are shed during times of exhaustion, confusion, stress or sadness. Books, movies, commercials with puppies? I’m immune.
Or I was.
For awhile I said “hormonal,” and got on with my day. But then week after week, month after month I’m crying at the end of EVERY. SINGLE. GREY’S. ANATOMY. EPISODE. and then yeah, it’s not hormones. Unless I-Don’t-Know-That-I’m-Pregnant, or something. But that is unlikely, being that I am not a complete idiot. (Although my periods HAVE always been irregular….)
Stress is the logical factor. Yes, I feel stress in my every day life. The back aches, the shoulders twinge, the jaw clenches and the migraines ensue. But I’m crying over commercials with puppies. I’m crying walking down the street because suddenly I can’t stop thinking about my mom dying, and yes, she will die, and how awful that will be. Or how I’m going to get cancer. Actually have to go through chemotherapy, lose my hair, my livelihood, be sick and weak and then die myself.
Sometimes tears well up because I’m just so freaking satisfied with myself and my life. I’ve done well. I’m doing fun things in an interesting place. I cry because six months ago, I was crying every other weekend when I had to leave Lance in his driveway, and now, even when I try, I can’t remember how I like to sleep when I have the bed to myself.
Sometimes I cry after he goes to bed because it feels tense and hopeless between us. And I am exhausted, stressed, and sad to no longer be a child in my parents’ house.
So I think it’s just a new personality trait. I am now Girl Who Cries At Puppies.
So much can change in 12 weeks.
I miss these people. I miss the girl I was twelve weeks ago. I miss the way my life used to run and sometimes I cry because we all have to leave and readjust and it’s not fair, can’t we all stay in our homes forever? Can’t we grow and be independent at home?
So I bought a plane ticket. On December 23rd, Lance and I will drive home for Christmas. On January 3rd, Lance will drive back to Boston so he can go back to work.
I will have until January 11th to recapture my lost youth.
I hope I won’t spend the whole trip crying.
