Love Letter 2009

Dear Lance,

It’s that Day of the Year again! You know which one I’m talking about. January 22nd. A very important day in history.

  • In 1927, the first live radio commentary of a football game hit the air.
  • In 1968, it was the day Apollo 5 was launched, the first lunar module, which would later carry men to the moon!
  • In 1973, Roe v. Wade was decided. Yay!
  • In 1985, your dearest mumsy brought you into this world, tiny and ready for a few weeks in an incubator, but otherwise healthy and ALIVE.

Oh, and in 2004, as she was piling herself under as many blankets she could find in order to regain feeling in her extremities after a late night pancake jaunt to Li’l Chef and back in the snow, you uttered those words so dear to an 18-year-old girl’s ears – “Would you be my girlfriend?”

It is also the day which I like to write you a love letter online. For the whole world to read. Because I’m just so cool like that.

But unlike last year, where I was brimming with wise words and reflections, this year, I am struggling. You probably could have figured that, being that most of our phone conversations of late include me struggling with something, usually something mundane, manageable, and dare-I-say, RETARDED. I am just in a struggling kind of place right now. I have been at various times during the past year, and let me give you a personal round of applause for handling me so well.

I am not always pleasant.

I am sorry for that.

But I am so happy that it hasn’t seemed to change your opinion of me. You still think I’m pretty cool. Right?

So 2008… I can safely look back upon this year I’ve spent with you, Lance, and say We Had A Mighty Good Time.

  • You treated me to an elaborate Valentine’s Day extravaganza, which included flowers, a present, Greek food and a Michigan beer sampler @ The Tuba Museum Restaurant, and my third (fourth?) viewing of Juno in the theater. And ice cream!
  • You played me happy birthday on your trumpet, in front of all your friends.
  • We visited Louisville, Atlanta , New Orleans, Galveston Island, and San Antonio together.
  • One night, we slept in my car together.
  • We watched two seasons of LOST.
  • We ate a lot of Qdoba and Grill of India, and drank a lot of red wine.
  • You finally read some books that I recommended. And I even read one that you recommended to me! 🙂
  • We took the prerequisite adventures to Lansing, Ann Arbor and Flint, plus some visits to the greater Detroit area.
  • I spent many a weekend holed up in your delightfully stress-free domicile.

I had a good time this year, Lance, but I can’t help but think about all the partings we’ve had to make, the goodbyes where I’m in tears and you’re at arms and we are kind of arguing because

Me (the pessimist) says: We always have to say goodbye. This is so annoying. And I hate it. And I’m tired of having to drive 2+ hours away from you just so I can go to sleep and the gym and to all my stuff. It sucks! It sucks so much, I just want to cry.

and then

He (the optimist) says: Don’t cry! We had so much fun this weekend! Why are you crying about the good time you had? We’ll see each other soon!

I know we are both right. It’s an argument that will never be won. But I struggle with it, believe me. We are apart for good reason. You are still finishing school, and have a loving mommy who puts you up and helps you out with gas money while you take X amount of credits/work in the wee morning making donuts for minimum wage/student teach. I am only working part time, and have equally loving parents who let me live rent free while I get ready for grad school and save my pennies.

It’s not an ideal situation. But it’s practical. Neither of us plan on growing roots in either of our hometowns, so why bother throwing money away in rent?

And this is the struggle, for me. We’ve talked about this before, but what is the difference between

and any number of other, non-celebrity, non-Scientologist couples

Couple X,

the impractical pair who meet, fall in love, and within a year, or even a month, have moved in together, become engaged, or even ran off and got married.

and

Couple Us,

who have been through a hell of a lot, have basically grown into adults together, have put in our time, and paid our dues, but still live miles and miles apart.

Why does something that is so easy for everyone else (read: friends, acquaintances, half of the human race it seems) take us five years? Why, after two years and four months, are we still so far apart, if we love each other so much?

How can I have so much fun with you, and then feel such pain when we have to leave? Does that make this a good year? A bad year?

A draw?

Your cell phone is broken, useless. You are student teaching every day. I am still working, commuting, and just reclaimed my own phone. The lines of communication seem somewhat severed now that I can’t call you during my lunch break, and you can’t email until after I’m home from work. When we do talk, I’m tired. Or you’re tired.

mosaic645216

this is what i look like when i talk to you on the phone. for real.

My comforts?

1. My parents spent a year apart. They didn’t have cell phones. They didn’t even have long distance. They had letters. And they’ve been married for over 30 years.

2. 2008 was swell. But 2009? This is when it all comes together for us, Lance. I can feel it.

3. It’s you that I am whiny about, you that I cry about, you that I just can’t get enough of. You that I get to talk to on the phone every day, you who lets me wake you up too early. You who encourages me to do the things I just talk about doing, you who listens to all my bad music. You who raps for my little sisters’ entertainment. You who actually enjoys spending hours upon hours in Barnes and Noble. You who tells me to look at the moon because it’s huge and therefore likely to crash toward the earth at any moment. You who comes to work with me, so you can sit in a library and wait for me to get out. You who lets me take photobooth pics of you to my heart’s content.

You have my history, my entire last five years, and I hope at least five more.

At the end of the day, whether we are apart for months, years, or living in the same walk-in closet, it’s you, you you.

You kinda make it worth all the hassle.

Love,

Jessica

P.S. I still don’t know what to get you. Darn you birthday & anniversary on the same day, less than a month past Christmas!!

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