I have trouble thinking of things to write here when I’m feeling moody. BecauseIdon’twantpeopletoknowI’mmoody, becauseIdon’twanttobore/repelpeoplewithmymoods, becauseIwanttobehappyandsmileyandnotwallowinmybadfeelings.
When I look back through my old writings (and yes, they exist, all the way back to when I was a wee 18 years of age) I can take a little emotional temperature of my life. On this day, in 2004, I was really happy. I was falling in love. In 2006, I was sick. I was sick a lot. In 2008, I was writing cute things about books and notetaking and writing, and I was trying to be something and change myself and be something.
Am I dropping these days(weeks, months) of Bad Feelings off my personal history by giving into avoidance?
Is that a bad thing?
Life isn’t all book reviews and pretty pictures and pleasantries.
So for the record, the dominant emotion of my 2010 is Frustration.
Frustration with my inability to Get Ahead financially. Six months in and we’re still counting pennies every paycheck. Yes, we have what we need, but things are so stagnant. The pool of money coming in is a steady number, and the deductions climb up every month.
I’ve had the same phone since I was in college. I need a new bra. We have 2 dishtowels that don’t smell. Our clothes live in cardboard boxes and hampers and piles on the floor. The savings account is stagnant. These things are tolerable, but the Never Going To Have Extra Money For This Kind of Thing?
Frustrated that I am already 19,000 dollars in debt toward a degree that I feel obligated to get. I love libraries, but absolutely nothing in my being compels me to a life of full-time work. If somebody offered me a better deal, I would take it in a heartbeat. I am getting this degree because grown ups need to be responsible and provide for themselves and I would like money to buy more dishtowels someday. But that is it.
I have no passion for the lifestyle I am working toward.
The children’s lit degree is, therefore, simultaneously my savior and the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.
Frustrated that I have 50 pages of writing due in 10 days or so. Plus some other assignments just thrown on top of the pile. See: The Stupidest Thing I’ve Ever Done.
Frustrating that no matter what I think the solution to my problems might be, there is someone telling me no, it’s not like that, your life is fine the way it is you just need to do X, X and Y and you’ll be content with your lot in life.
Frustration with myself for getting myself into this mess in the first place.
Bah humbug, internet. Bah, humbug.